The ten stages of coming out to your partner.

[TamLin]

So you're bi. And you haven't told her. It's understandable, after all, you're nervous, and you might have kept this a secret for a long time, and who know how she'll react?

In my experience, you can expect the conversation to progress through ten distinct stages, each with its own unique set of challenges. While no two relationships and no two coming out conversations are quite the same, they tend to follow a general trend, which I can summarize as follows:

The Ten Stages of Coming out to your Straight Girlfriend:

1. "Oh my God you're CHEATING on me aren't you!"

2. "Oh my God you're GOING to cheat on me aren't you?!"

3. "Oh my God you're going to LEAVE ME for a man, aren't you?!" <repeat variations of the above ad infinitum until she calms the hell down and believes you when you say no.>

4. "This means you're gay right? You're gay and in denial? How long until you turn fully gay?"

5. "Does this mean I should get tested for STDs?"

6. "Wait, are you telling me this because you want to do a threeway <mingled disgust/fear/desperately repressed arousal>?"

7. "I KNOW you've been cheating on me, you can't help it!" <repeat a few more variations.>

8. "Why have you been lying to me all this time?" (Gee, maybe cuz I knew this is how you'd take it...)

9. "I think you're disgusting, it's over, but instead of breaking up with you now I'm going to pretend that I'm comfortable with this so that we can go through six months of insecurity, paranoia, jealousy, anger, and unprovoked jealousy and recriminations."

10. "...you can tell me if you've been cheating, I won't get mad."

Whew. Now aren't you glad that's over? Of course, there are more mature, open-minded straight women out there who can handle the real you without lots of crazy accusations and misconceptions, but like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, they remain willy and elusive, and photographic evidence of their existence is highly specious.

On the other hand, you may find yourself in a gay relationship and be faced with a similar challenge. As a member of the much-persecuted gay community and someone who may have struggled with his sexuality in the past, will your boyfriend be more understanding of your confession?

The One Stage of Coming Out to Your Gay Boyfriend.

1. "Tsk. Slut."

As long as I'm at, don't think that I'm forgetting about you ladies. The bisexual woman has her own bridges to cross when it comes to having this most important, sensitive, and intimate of conversations with her partner.

The Ten Stages of Coming Out to Your Straight Boyfriend.

1. "...so, can we do a threesome then?"

2. "Like, tonight?"

3. "Is your friend Lisa down? Go call Lisa."

4-10: Repeat.

[ThreeInOne]

The Ten Stages of Coming Out to Your Straight Boyfriend.

1. "...so, can we do a threesome then?"

2. "Like, tonight?"

3. "Is your friend Lisa down? Go call Lisa."

4-10: Repeat.[/QUOTE]




LoL! Ours didnt quite go like this. Ive had a suspicion for about 10 years that she was interested in women. I brought it up before, and she always shied away from it. Then recently, she did a flip on it and decided to just accept it and come out to me with it. She flipped out that I was so calm and that I had already guessed. *boggle* Anyhow, she came out to some of her friends and told them she is Bi. One of them was upset that she didnt tell her sooner, one told her to join the club - shed already been told twice earlier in the week by two other friends that they were attracted to her, and another still talks to her, but is all formal and stiff now.

Sure, am I excited about the fact that I may join in from time to time? Well, yeah. Im a guy. I intend, though, to mainly give her her space. I told her that she is more than welcome to bring girls home and have her fun with them - I just want to meet them to make sure they wont hurt her. She is my wife, and I dont want to get anything, you know?

I guess my point is that Im trying to say Im not in it like most other guys would be. I want her to be happy in discovering a part of her that she has kept repressed for most of her life, and I support her in that. I just want to help her be safe while she does it.

[darkeyes]

Jus b honest str8 from start..wen Kate came 2 view me flat as prospective flatm8 me sed 2 'er str8 up.."Me is bi btw..hope thats ok..don worry yas quite safe... me dusn bite". Lil str8 girl accepted me invitation 2 move in an so began a cuppla months a me chasin 'er as if she wos las girl on earth..an persuadin 'er that me wos much more fun an a betta bet than the grotbag lesser mortal she wos goin out wiv at the time.. wosn easy.. but nice lil str8 girl is best cuppla months chasin me eva did... an wudn change 'er for the world eitha...:bigrin:

[Pasadenacpl2]

We didn't go through any of these stages. Thankfully.

Pasa

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Fist of all, Welcome to the site and thank you for your insights.
Cat

[NJbimale]

No stages here either.
And just in case you're wondering, I didn't find my wife in a murky lake in Scotland or the woods in western Canada. ;)

[fred fencesitter]

I'm still not sure at what stage to come out to women I'm dating. I know a lot of women have an absolute "no bisexuals" rule. I've seen an awful lot of profiles for women on OKCupid that say "straight guys only." I avoid those women, but I worry that even ones who don't put that in their profile, think that, too.

[citystyleguy]

...only three posts into the group, and you deliver this excellent take on sharing the inevitable with the bf/gf, especially the poor bg telling her straight bf, beautiful! hoping for more in the future!

[Long Duck Dong]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


All right Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!

[TamLin]

...only three posts into the group, and you deliver this excellent take on sharing the inevitable with the bf/gf, especially the poor bg telling her straight bf, beautiful! hoping for more in the future!

Lol, just some catharsis. I'm having a "Last Angry Bisexual" week after a few rather unpleasant comments thrown my way. Glad to hear most of the folks in this thread haven't had that problem, although my observations make them the exception rather than the rule. Perhaps I've just had poor luck in life.

Fun fact, I had a girl ask me #4 once and I answered: "About six more months. I signed on for a ten year bisexuality plan back in college." As it turns out, humor does NOT defuse this situation. Live and learn.

Alas, I've few friends or inroads in the lesbian community, so I have no idea how such a relationship weathers the revelation of bisexuality on one person's part. Any insights from the group?



I'm still not sure at what stage to come out to women I'm dating.

Well, probably the best time is right away. Maybe not on the first date, cuz that's a little awkward, but once it becomes clear that you're both interested in an LTR type of thing, she should know, that way if she has a problem with it she can opt out early (and you can avoid most of the above).

Although frankly, my answer the last couple of years has been "Never." I just let my partner think whatever he/she wants to think and keep the rest of the details to myself. Technically, this probably isn't healthy, since I'm keeping a big secret, "Living a lie", and pissing of the rainbow troopers who insist everyone should be out of the closet because it "Helps the cause," (although since most of them seem rather contemptuous of my "cause" and lifestyle I'm not sure I care what they think), but you know, after you've been burned five or six times, you start to wonder if it's not a good idea to stop sticking your hand into the stove.

[biblkman]

What can I say but, Wow!! U really hit the nail on the head with this one. This thread sounds all to familiar, nicely done.